Fuck You Hormones

Anyone who has seen the movie, "Knocked Up", will totally get the title. Oh wait, that makes it sound like I'm leading in to tell everyone I'm pregnant, doesn't it? Am I? Holy Shit.

Nah, I had the plumbing welded closed when the baby was born. I don't want any more surprise, thankyouverymuch! Especially after the last few days with the Queen of Hormones. Is that me, you ask? No, it sure as hell isn't. My daughter, Kelly, can make my PMS look like a day at the park. Now, I totally understand why children don't come with instruction manuals. Its for people like me who would immediately start flipping through until something caught their eye. I'm telling you, if I read the chapter in the imaginary Childrearing for Dummies book on puberty, I would have taken Kelly back for a full refund before the 30 days expired. Or traded her in for the male model.

Those of you with daughters under the age of 3, AVERT YOUR EYES NOW. Do it quickly. This top secret classified information is guaranteed to scar you and scare you.

I have a theory. Puberty in girls begins at birth. Its not really noticable until they begin to speak coherently. Its like a preface of what is to come. However, at that age, they are still so cute that you are lulled by a false sense of security. The mini tantrums, the stubborness, the testing of authority, they are usually attributed to Terrible Twos. That lets us mom's believe there is an end in site. YOU ARE BEING FOOLED! There is no end in site. It is not Terrible Twos, Threes, Ferocious Fours or any other cute name you can come up with. It's puberty. And it only gets worse. Horribly, terribly, scarily worse.

I remember a cute day when my little angel was about 2.5 or 3. I had just finished getting her dressed and fixing her hair when she started wailing. Mildly disturbed, I asked her what was wrong. Her answer? Her hair things didn't match her outfit. I should have run like hell at that point. Run and never looked back. Instead, I found the story mildly amusing. "Awww, isn't it cute that she likes to match?" NO, the correct answer is NO, it isn't cute...its scarey and its your first dose of things to come. If your precious little daughter has done something along these lines - this is your warning. GET OUT.

Now, my cute and darling little girl is almost 13. The last year has been hell. The tears shed for no reason. The attitude dished out. The blatant disregard for rules. The tone of voice when speaking to me. The looks of "Don't close your eyes to go to sleep tonight, Bitch" (ok, that might be on both our sides!) H. E. L. L. Nothing in life can prepare you for this. NOTHING. I don't care if you labored without drugs for 36 hours and delivered a 10 lb baby with a 3rd degree tear up to your poop chute. That's a breeze compared to what's coming.

I know some of you are reading and thinking I'm exaggerating. Let me give you some recent examples:

1. Copious amounts of tears shed because her plate fell on the floor and then full blown sobbing because when she was picking up the destroyed dinner, the knife fell and knocked her glass over. Gotta admit, I laughed which didn't help things.

2. Copious tears shed because her brother laughed when she fell off her chair.

3. Copious tears shed because her hair won't go the way she wants.

4. Copious tears shed because her brother told her she wouldn't be the baby anymore while I was pregnant.

5. Copious tears shed because she got yelled at for spilling hot chocolate in the living room because she didn't think it was her fault even though there aren't supposed to be drinks taken outside the kitchen for just this reason. Apparently, it was Sean's fault because he was throwing Abby's Pooh at her...although when she was telling the story I thought she literally meant Sean was throwing POO at her.

Its a wonder the child doesn't suffer from dehydration.

When she's not crying or wailing or moaning, she's not speaking to me. Literally. I will ask her questions and she will not answer. She won't look at me. She won't even twitch to show she heard me. It makes me want to put her over my knee and paddle her ass.

I know mothers and daughters make it through this. I survived. However, I'm thinking it's only by a thin margin that mothers don't kill their daughters. Maybe that's what materal instinct really is. Lucky Lucky Me, I get to do it all over again. Damn pregnancy hormones that had me longing for another little girl!

For any mothers that have made it through, how did you do it? Did you lock her in her room? Gag her? Drink a lot to get through?