For Sale

One slightly used child.

You can pick out the newest model as seen here:

AKA Demon Spawn, Devil's Child, Seed of Satan
Pros: She's really cute and smart
Cons: She's bad.

You can go with the middle model as seen here:

AKA Drama Queen, Monkey Wailer, Tiny Dancer
Pros: She's beautiful - just look at that picture!! She's a lot of help (with the right incentive)
Cons: Everything's a battle, the tears are copious.

You can go with the oldest model as seen here:

AKA Shaggy, You Smell, You're Gross
Pros: He's a hardworker, good with yard work, pretty funny
Cons: He likes to be dirty....really really dirty

Why am I selling off one or all of my kids? I have several reasons:

1. The economy freaking sucks and I just can't freaking afford them anymore.
2. They sometimes get on my nerves.
3. Momma needs to get some more dental love.

That's right folks, the women who hates/loathes/fears the dentist is smack in the middle of a major reconstructive project on my mouth and its fucking expensive.

The tally to date includes 1 crack ho extraction, 1 full mouth debridement (yeahh to year's of tartar build up), 1 filling done on the front of a tooth extending below the gumline, 1 crown.

Still to be completed?? Extraction of two lower wisdom teeth, 3 more crowns on the lower molars, and 1 more filling. That will just take care of the lower jaw.

Total cost to me - $960 give or take a couple of bucks. Oh God, I'm pretty sure I just puked a little. Bottom jaw only. Fuck me!

Now I'm scared to death of the top jaw because due to a couple of accidents, I have some nice chipped teeth right in the front. My dentist muttered something about the top teeth to his assistant. I couldn't hear it real clearly but I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of a new BMW thanks to my mouth. We're talking about some more crowns and some veneers and probably an implant to fill my crack ho spot.

I told Kelly that braces were off the table for her until....well until she can pay for them herself.

The only good news out of this is, with all the restorative (nice use of a dental term!) work to be done, I won't have any need for bleaching since they will all be white anyway.

Along these same lines, what's everyone doing to stay afloat with the economy what its like. Damn we were barely scraping along before now with all the rising costs, we are starting to sink.

Maybe I should leave that crack ho hole alone and start earning money the old fashioned way......

Braces and Harvard

I don't know if I've mentioned but Kell needs braces. We, in the Casa de Crazy, like to employ the procrastination method of dealing with large expenses. We basically put it off until we have no choice to spend the money and then panic about how we are going to pay for it. So, I need to get her in for a consultation to find out if selling the baby will suffice to pay for this or if I should start whoring myself out as well. I'm guesstimating about $2500 to fix her mouth.

We know there is no rush to get the metal mouth outfitted so I was trying to plan for a time that would be a school vacation since I've been told she's gonna be hurting. And with it being Kelly, I'm sure the pain is going to be on a nuclear level instead of some mild discomfort since she's been known to blow things out of proportion (Have I mentioned these 2 words: Drama and Queen). I was thinking Spring Break and was then informed that it interfered with her 13th birthday. So, it was finally decided that we'd do it this summer - probably after our Hellcation (yeah, you drive 20 hrs in a car with at least 3 kids and try telling me its not Hellcation). Good. Settled.

So, the other night she mentioned something about college. To which I fell into hysterics. I then gently informed said child that there was no way in hell we were paying for college. I told her that when we have to pay out a large sum of money to fix her teeth that she was on her own. Her response: "Awww but Harvard's expensive". There might have been more but I was simultaneously curled in the fetal position and laughing like a hyena! Harvard my ass!

Once the hysterics subsided, I advised her that she better graduate valedictorian then to earn herself a scholarship otherwise I was going to start teaching her the University of Nebraska at Omaha's fight song!