Monday, September 15, 2008

Happy Birthday, Crabigail!!


Today marks the day, 2 years ago, that you came into our lives. While unexpected, I feel that you have enriched our lives beyond measure. You are the cement that binds our blended family together.

I'll be honest with you, little one, I wasn't all that excited about the prospect of another child. I was happy with the way things were, your dad and I finally had a little bit of financial freedom. We were both comfortable with the idea that I had my children and he had his children and we wouldn't have our child. Apparently, someone had bigger and definitely better ideas. You beat the odds - the odds of birth control pills and a low sperm count due to testicular cancer - to be conceived. Somebody much smarter than daddy and I obviously saw that there was something missing from our lives.

I started getting a little more excited once we found out that you were a girl. You see, daddy already had two boys and truly believed that he didn't have the girl gene. His voice cracked with emotion on the way home from the ultrasound. It's the closest to crying I've ever seen your daddy come. Even then, I was really more happy for him than I was about this whole baby thing.

You were born in a flurry of activity early on a Friday morning. My water broke in true dramatic fashion about 4 am on the 15th. I was still more excited at the prospect of getting my body back than your birth. Well, especially after since Mommy was really sick after the c-section.

We brought you home, we fed you and cuddled you, we marvelled over you. Yet, still a dark cloud persisted. You see, you had a bent up ear, a hemangioma birthmark, and a mild form of spina bifida (a sacral dimple, or what mommy likes to call - your extra butthole). Each new issue brought a new wave of guilt over mommy. It was all mommy's fault that you had these issues because of how I felt. Mommy distanced herself even more.

There were even issues with mommy and daddy's marriage. Mommy was pretty resentful over all the changes going on. Daddy was so in love with you that sometimes it didn't seem like he had any love left over for mommy. You and daddy just didn't seem to need mommy around.

Then one day, it happened. Mommy went and fell head over heels in love with you. It wasn't the same instantaneous reaction mommy had with Sean and Kelly, but somehow, someway, you snuck in and grabbed hold. It wasn't that mommy didn't love you before, because she did. It was just different. You never seemed to need me the way that Sean or Kelly did. You often seemed to prefer daddy over me. Oh that stung. But again, mommy figured it must be her fault in some way.

Now, no matter how difficult it can be at times, I wouldn't change it. When you run through the front door and wrap yourself around me and say "mommmmmmmy" like you haven't seen me in a month, my heart melts. When you look up at me and say, "I wanna biss (kiss)" I would give you the moon. When you sit and have conversations with me, even when I can't understand it all, I want to freeze time and treasure every syllable. When you cuddle up to me and want me to read to you, I will put aside anything I'm doing so as to enjoy the feel of your baby fat body in my arms. When you want to sit and sing songs with me, you have my undivided attention - and totally off key voice - for as long as you want it.

You, my perfect little surprise, have taught me not to take anything for granted. Motherhood is a gift, one to be valued, treasured, and protected. It is not my right simply because you grew in my body. So, with more love today than 2 years ago, mommy wishes you a happy birthday and asks you not to grow up too fast!

PS - reading this back, mommy suspects she might have had some PPD that she wasn't willing to admit to before, hiding and burying it all under a smile.

PPS - This was one of the hardest things I've ever written...talk about stripping yourself raw!

2 comments:

Sasha said...

I've got tears in my eyes..... what a great mom you are.

Smoochiefrog said...

I'm so behind! Sorry I missed it on the day, but I hope she had a great 2nd birthday!