Thursday, March 20, 2008

Confession Time

Anyone who has read this (or who actually knows me) will realize that my humor runs along the gutter level. I still giggle widly at the Friends episode where Joey and Rachel laugh through Ross' speech when he says "Homo" and "Erectus". When we package things here at work and talk about putting the tube in the box - I'm the first one to start laughing. When we had a virus on our shop computer and someone said it was a Trojan - fits of giggles. I can talk about sex, pooping, farting, etc. but what I can't do? Fart in front of my husband. The longer I go without doing it, the harder it is becoming. My ass just clenches up.

My husband wouldn't care if I farted. As a matter of fact, after he stopped giggling, he'd probably cheer and grade it. I. JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT. There have bene times I've had to fart and I've attempted to do the Butt Clench Waddle to a different area of the house to release the pressure and he'll follow me. Now, that's not to say I've never farted and here are 3 instances of when I have farted that I fessed up to last night:

1. When Satan Spawn was first born, she came to work with me. One morning as Hubby was driving us down there, a silent one slipped out. To my horror, it stunk. Badly. Hubby looked over at me and asked if I smelled that. Knowing what it was, I had to devise a plan quickly. I innocently sniffed the air and proclaimed that it must have been Satan Spawn with a little gas.

2. One night when we were having slipped out. I was totally thrown off the prize because I was worrying that he'd heard it (it was NOT the silent variety). Luckily, he was a bit too interested in other things and missed that one entirely!

3. Yesterday at work, I had some stinky silent gas. I was working in another area with most of the people I work with and one of those pesky fuckers worked their way past the clenched ass cheeks. Immediately, I was engulfed in a foul odor. I looked over at my boss (aka Satan) and asked her if she smelled that. She sniffed the air and said what does it smell like? I said, Ass. She totally blamed one of the guys working with us.

Of course, as I finished my confession, Hubby was laughing so hard he farted.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Who Needs Drivers Ed?

I'm sure I've mentioned approximately 1 billion times, that Shaggy is almost 17 (less than one month as he informed me this morning...mental note to self: Easter gifts, Shaggy's Birthday and Drama Queen's 13th Birthday all in the next 4 weeks!) Well, unlike most almost 17 year olds, he does NOT have his driver's lisence. You see, Shaggy is a tad on the disorganized side and it tends to affect his grades at school. In a desperate effort to make him more responsible, I told him that he couldn't get a learner's permit until he kept his grades at a minimum of a C. Therefore, he didn't get a permit until AFTER his 16th birthday. Then, in order to get a driver's lisence, the same provisions applied. So, here we are, less than 4 weeks til his birthday and we are just starting to learn to drive.

Before anyone thinks that I am the most evil mother in the world, let me explain. The kid has 4 classes. That's right, F.O.U.R. They do block scheduling at his school and he has 4 classes each quarter. Each year, only 4 of the 8 classes he takes are academic. For instance, this quarter he is taking: Physics, English, Algebra and career center (auto mechanics). But, last semester, he had: History, career center, ROTC, and CAD. Therefore, maintaining a C average, NOT DIFFICULT!

At any rate, driver's ed is fucking expensive....over $300. Ok, some people may not find that expensive but, hell - I can teach him to drive for free! So, that's what I've been doing. And its been going well. Except.....

Last Sunday we were driving down to my work to stop in to change out some printers. I let him drive. He almost drives like the little old know the one, the one who putters along at exactly 19 miles per hour. We were heading up a large hill that has a stop light at the top. We needed to turn left at the light so, most people know you go up the hill, stop at the light, check for traffic then proceed with your left turn with caution. Unless you are Shaggy that is....

Me: Shaggy, you need to go faster or we won't make it up the hill. Going 9 miles per hour is approximately 16 miles under the speed limit.

Slight jump in speed - up to like 11 miles per hour

Me: Shaggy, go!!!

More significant jump in speed - up to like 20 miles per hour

Me: Shaggy, GO GO GO! The light is green so step on it!

Then, Shaggy stomps on the gas peddle and performs a move I think I saw the General Lee do in the Dukes of Hazards. We get to the top of the hill and he yanks the wheel to the left and takes the turn on 2 wheels leaving a trail of rubber behind us. I was simultaneously trying not to shit my pants and vomit while attempting to scream:


His response???

You said, GO so I went!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Here I Am!

scene: picture a short red head with huge boobs and enough padding to help qualify her to play the Michelin Man or Stay Puff Marshmallow Man jumping wildly up and down waving her hands

Ewwww - that's quite a visual isn't it???

First off, thanks so much to Sasha and ClemsonGirl for looking for me. They found me buried under a mountain of basketball stuff. Yep, that's right, it's college basketball time and between the NCAA and all the college conferences, we've been buried at work. What stuff do we do, you might be wondering? (Or not wondering but I'm going to tell you anyway so you might as well pretend that you care!) If you've seen a college basketball tournament on TV, we've probably done the decals (stickers for those of you who aren't familiar) for the court. So, next time you are watching your favorite team play in their conference tournament - remember me! Just a couple of more weeks before the flurry settles to a more managable level of craziness and then we get into NBA Playoffs.

So, Phantom. Blah. I was disappointed. As I mentioned, I saw it on the stage in London originally. That was not a touring production so the props, effects, scenery, etc were much better BUT, Kelly loved it and that really was the point of going. The music was great and I left there with the songs buzzing in my head which was great. It was a fun night out so all in all, totally worth it to see the play through Kell's eyes.

My weekend was filled with shit - and yes, I mean that literally! Apparently, we had a city sewer line get blocked and it backed up into MY BASEMENT. There was 6" of, well, to be nice we'll call it water. My house smells like a sewer line. To top it off, my renter's insurance doesn't cover this. On a good note, I called the city and asked who was going to pay for the damages (Shaggy made himself a little living space down there) and they said if we submit a detailed list of damages, they'll submit it to their insurance company. Keep your fingers crossed because he pretty much lost everything!

On a side note, I really need some comments on an issue I've been wrestling with. I've debated about posting this and then decided all the smart and wonderful blog people out there might have some great advice for me. I have a issue I'm really struggling with. My husband pays more attention to the baby than to me. God, that sounds petty even typing it but if anyone has gone through this, they'll understand. Where he used to give me all his attention, now he gives it all to her. She is truly a Daddy's girl and I appreciate that I have a husband who is good with her and willing to do all kinds of things to help but I can't help resenting the fact that I feel like second best. After all, she is going to grow up and leave and then it will be just him and I.

Now that I feel like a complete loser for that.....back to basketball world!