Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Conversations With Shaggy

My office Christmas party was Friday afternoon and everyone was in a fantabulous mood after the juicy Christmas bonuses. We had a blast and since Hubby was out of town, I took Shaggy with me. I think by 9 AM at my office he was starting to regret the decision to spend the day with Momma after he got to hear some of these gems:

After eating CrapDonald's last night I have a lubed anus.

Holy crap, I think I just pooped an anaconda.

Then, while bowling, there was this little pearl:

Me: Boy, you better behave before I have to beat you.

Shaggy: You can't hurt me. I'm bigger than you.

Me: Yeah, well you came out of my vagina.

Shaggy: Speechless Disgust

Then, there is this classic exchange between me and one of the guys I work with:

Me: J whatcha doin'?

Him: Nuttin

Both: collapse into heaps of juvenile giggles

As we were driving home, Shaggy said to me, "Boy, I knew you guys were bad at work but I had no idea." To which, I gave him a knowing look and replied, "You still have no idea - that was us behaving."

If that child ever leaves me alone with his children (please, Lord, wait about 20 years), it will be a minor miracle and I can imagine that prior to coming to Grandma's house he will warn them not to listen to a thing I say.

As a side note, I contributed a small chunk of my Christmas bonus contributing to Ashley's preschool fund in an attempt to bring the groove back. Stay tuned for updates!!!

Monday, December 24, 2007

We Wish You....

a very Merry Christmas. From the nuthouse to you and all of yours. In light of the Holiday Season, here are some things I've learned:

1. Me and serious posts do not mix. I can talk about an inability to poo, sex, masturbation, and my coffee cake ad nauseum and get some decent comments. However, the times I attempt to post something serious, I think it scares people. I think they attempt to find the humor in it (since apparently that's what I'm best known for - and a rather juvenile humor at that) and when they can't, its like they didn't get the joke so its better to say nothing.

2. The 40 Year Old Virgin is - THE. BEST. MOVIE. E.V.E.R.! I laughed hysterically at it but is that really any surprise? Dude, you look like a man-o-latern. I totally want to wax Hubby now just so I can use that line.

3. I'm both dreading and anticipating tomorrow. I LOOOOOVE Christmas. To me, there is nothing like seeing your children's eyes light up as they open their gifts. However, I'll be short a child (and a Hubby)tomorrow since Abbado and her father are currently in Pennsylvania. So far, I've managed to hold it together and shed no tears but I'm missing them both terribly.

4. Me and Cosmopolitans - not a good combo. I'm a total lightweight when it comes to booze and after one Cosmo, I'm feeling FIIIIINE - after 2, my lips are as numb as a trip to dentist. Not to mention the fact that I'm sleepy. Yeah, Santa's coming early this year Kiddos, how does an 8:00 bedtime sound?

5. My husband is a brave brave man to leave me the check book when he travels. I've managed to drop almost $300 at Tarjay the last few days and ummm yeah, all our shopping was done.

6. Little ole 5'1.5" me has to wrangle a weight bench that weighs approximately 500 lbs from my bed room to the living room tonight and attempt to wrap it. Since I've also imbibed 2 (and counting) Cosmos this evening - it may end up unwrapped and halfway down the hallway. Did I also mention the 100 lb weight set??? What the fuck was I thinking????

7. Hubby and I didn't write any letters and I can't be mad at him because I sure as shit didn't do as I sit here slightly buzzed I'm thinking of shopping at an adult website for some more "personal" items. (Don't worry, Ashley, I'm planning on contributing to the preschool fund. I just hope I can find that body butter know, the stuff that tastes like frosting??) However, I do need to remember that the check book balance is dwindling and not to buy everything I see.

8. Did I mention the numb lips and its only 7:49? Its going to be a long night....these little bastards darlings better not think they are getting up at dark o'fucking clock tomorrow. They are too old for that shit.

So, from my family to yours - warmest wishes for a safe, joyous, and happy Holiday season!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Pay It Forward

This time of year often leads to a lot of self reflection for me. The time to reflect on what I can/did do to make a difference in the world. Have I touched someone's life and made it a little bit better for doing so? Will there be people that remember one random act of kindness I did and will it inspire them to do the same?

I am a blessed person. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful life. Sure, money's tight but in non monetary ways, my life is so rich. I have such special and treasured memories of my childhood. Memories that have sustained me through the rough times. Memories that I have in my mind and heart that I can take out and view whenever the going gets rough. I have a life filled with love. I feel it all around me in all the people I interact with.

There was one Christmas that always sticks out in my mind as my first instance of paying it forward. We had driven from New Hampshire to Rhode Island to celebrate Christmas with my huge family. As we were preparing to head home, we stopped at a small diner to have some desert. While we sat at our table, drinking our mugs of hot chocolate, and basking in the glow of a wonderful Christmas filled with love, family, and of course, presents, a grizzled old man came in. Heads turned to stare at him as he made his way to a table and sat down alone. I don't remember if he appeared homeless but he definitely appeared dejected and lonely on what should be a day filled with joy and happiness. He was unkempt and had a strange rash on his face. Patrons were staring at him as he slowly gripped his lone mug of coffee in both hands and kept his head down. I was staring too but not in disgust but in sadness. I remember thinking that noone would acknowledge this man because he was dirty. He was sullying up their Christmas night. As my family finished up and my parents were paying the bill, I walked over to this man and when he looked up at me, I told him I just wanted to wish him a Merry Christmas. His eyes shimmered with tears and his face lit up in a huge smile. Other patrons looked ashamed. He grabbed my hand and held it in both of his and wished me a Merry Christmas back. In his grip, I felt all the gratitude his face was showing that someone would acknowledge him, that someone would take the time to brighten his holidays. As we left, my mom turned to me and with tears in her eyes told me she was proud of me.

That is the Christmas memory I examine most often. Taking the joy I have in my heart at this time of year and passing it along. So, every year as the holidays approach, I ask myself, have I lived up to that memory this year? Sadly, the answer is often no as life becomes busy. This year, I'm asking any of you who read, take the time the next time you see the person on the street that makes you want to cross and think in your head, "I'm so lucky I'm not them" and acknowledge them. Don't let the minutiae of life stop you from making a difference to someone who appears to be out of hope.

You see, this morning there was a press conference with one of the critically injured surviving victims of our mall shooting. He talked about wanting to be a better person going forward. He talked with eloquence about the victims. It made me think of that memory. It made me wonder how people would remember me if I was gone. It made me want to be a better person.

I've been debating on writing this post for the last couple of weeks. The words wouldn't come out the way I wanted them until after that press conference so, even though its early - I send all of you who read the warmest and joyous Holiday wishes from our family to yours. Hopefully, through these writings, I've managed to touch your lives in the ways that those who's blogs I read, touch mine and inspire me. I promise to now step off my soap box and return back to your regularly scheduled juvenile humor.

For the Love of God

You'd think with my total lack of posting that I'd been busy or something. I have been busy but not so busy that I couldn't take a few minutes to sit down and post. Yep, you guessed it - a total combination of sheer laziness and lack of material. I just can't seem to convince the older midgies to stay home and do something blog worthy. What good are they if I can't get some material out of them??? They're not even good slaves these days and I just can't convince the baby that the dishes belong in the cabinets and not all over the floor. Damn lazy little shit. She needs baby boot camp or something to whip her into shape.

So, I know you are all dying with curiousity as to what I've been doing. Right? Just nod're going to get a post about it whether you want to know or not so don't fight the power.

We finished our Christmas shopping. The gifts for the stepkidlets are on their way to PA as we speak where they might actually beat Hubby and the baby there. That's right - for yet another year, Hubby and I aren't spending Christmas together. That makes 3 out of 4 Christmases in case I'm keeping track. This time, he's taking my baby. It sucks hairy monkey balls but what can I do? I'm sure a few tears will be shed between now and Christmas. Of course, with 5 kids to buy presents for, I came up with this totally brilliant idea for Hubby and I. Since baby came along, we've lost some of our mojo and in an effort to recapture the magic of the early days, I suggested we write each other letters to read Christmas morning. Now, I suggested this a month ago and I have yet to start mine. For any Friends fans out there, this will definitely be along the lines of the Monica and Chandler homemade Valentine gifts. Hubby leaves at dark o'clock on Friday morning which doesn't leave me much time. I'm thinking I should just order him some "toys" suggested on Ashley's blog which would totally make him forget that I didn't write the damn letter I suggested and would probably go a long way to bringing back the mojo. What does everyone else do to keep the romance alive when you have little kids???

Two weekends ago, we got to spend 4 hours in the Emergency Room with the baby. Turns out she has pneumonia (I have no clue if I spelled it right and since the spell check works for shit on the Safari browser, its staying that way). That was a lovely scare since they almost admitted her but she's all better now and back to being a total pain in the ass. I tell you what, I know my older kids are way older but this is one little verbal demon spawn. She's 15 months old and can say quite a few things - nana (banana), daddy, no, stop, bye, hi, gank gu (thank you), pee (please), keddy (kelly), nini (night night) etc but she will NOT say Mom, Momma, Mommy. Little snot.

I have not mailed out ONE Christmas card. I'm totally on board for Ashley's idea of moving Christmas back.

However, I did manage to find a dress for my sister's wedding. I will post pictures from the big day so you can see it. Now, I just need a new purse, shoes, hairdo, and manicure and I'm set! I don't know what the hell possessed my sister to plan her wedding for January 5th but she's crazy. We have Christmas, a family get together on the 31st and one on the 4th. I'm so excited for her and honored that she asked me to be her witness. This wedding is a totally non traditional shindig. My sister is anti-religious so no church wedding and she's having her best friend from Junior High marry her. So, we have an Irish bride, a Chilean groom, a lesbian minister, a jailbird brother (yep, he's out and free in time for the hols), the trailer trash sister (that'd be me with all the kids and baby daddy :D), a lesbian sister in law and her partner who are crazy (groom's sister), a multitude of other people - it ought to be one Hell of a party!

Just to prove I am in the holiday spirit - here is a picture of our "angel" with Santa.

Isn't she cute!!!!! Gotta say I sure do bake some cute kidlets.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Braces and Harvard

I don't know if I've mentioned but Kell needs braces. We, in the Casa de Crazy, like to employ the procrastination method of dealing with large expenses. We basically put it off until we have no choice to spend the money and then panic about how we are going to pay for it. So, I need to get her in for a consultation to find out if selling the baby will suffice to pay for this or if I should start whoring myself out as well. I'm guesstimating about $2500 to fix her mouth.

We know there is no rush to get the metal mouth outfitted so I was trying to plan for a time that would be a school vacation since I've been told she's gonna be hurting. And with it being Kelly, I'm sure the pain is going to be on a nuclear level instead of some mild discomfort since she's been known to blow things out of proportion (Have I mentioned these 2 words: Drama and Queen). I was thinking Spring Break and was then informed that it interfered with her 13th birthday. So, it was finally decided that we'd do it this summer - probably after our Hellcation (yeah, you drive 20 hrs in a car with at least 3 kids and try telling me its not Hellcation). Good. Settled.

So, the other night she mentioned something about college. To which I fell into hysterics. I then gently informed said child that there was no way in hell we were paying for college. I told her that when we have to pay out a large sum of money to fix her teeth that she was on her own. Her response: "Awww but Harvard's expensive". There might have been more but I was simultaneously curled in the fetal position and laughing like a hyena! Harvard my ass!

Once the hysterics subsided, I advised her that she better graduate valedictorian then to earn herself a scholarship otherwise I was going to start teaching her the University of Nebraska at Omaha's fight song!

Friday, December 7, 2007

The Outlaw In Me

Since I've been asked by a couple of people to share this story I will. The last few days have been a bad time to be a Nebraskan with the mall tragedy so I will do my best to lighten things up with a story of my antics told in my normal juvenille fashion.

I may have mentioned that I settled into some dark times after my divorce. Dark Emotionally. Dark Financially. You see, the Ex left to move back to England in Nov of 2000 once our divorce was final. Not only did he skip out on his financial obligations to his kids, I got to be the one to tell them that Daddy moved. Yeah, that was a happy happy day. So, here I was, 28 years old with 2 kids and NO child support. Zip. Nada. Nil. To say that my paycheck was having difficulties stretching to cover all the bills and feed us is an understatement. I was juggling my finances and something was sure to fall.

However, during all that, it was important to me that the kids weren't totally aware of what kind of financial mess we were in. Keeping their schedule and trying to add in some treats once in a while was very important to me. So, one warm summer night, I decide that Shaggy and I need Blizzards. Off we go. On the way back, I was driving slightly over the speed limit. Ok so it was more than slightly but in my defense, I didn't realize that the speed limit had dropped from 45 to 35mph (not even 20' down the road) and I was going 53. So our asshole friendly neighborhood policeman gave me a whopping $100 ticket.

Now, here is where the story gets interesting and I get ashamed. I didn't have the money to pay the ticket but instead of going to court and pleading my case, I ignored it thinking I'll pay it as soon as I have some extra money. Months passed. Still no extra money (ie: child support) and I get a letter in the mail saying if I didn't pay it, my license would be suspended. Again, I chose the ostrich method of dealing with this.

Then, I'm on my way home after picking up the girl child from daycare. She had had a field trip that day to someplace and had a wonderful new toy - a Whoopee Cushion - and was driving me crazy. I turn down my street and see a Sheriff's car in my driveway. Thinking to myself - oh shit, now what? I decide I'll drive past the house, turn around and come back and he'll be gone. One. Small. Problem. Shaggy is out front talking to him and as I start to drive by, shaking my head vigorously so he won't say anything, I see his little arm go up and then a finger come out. Pointing right at me. I see his mouth moving. I see the Sheriff's head swivel. What do I do? I keep driving. Desperate to get to a street where I can turn and hide. The whole time, Kelly's happily farting away with her Whoopee Cushion. I turn the corner, glance in the rearview, and see the Sheriff's car in hot pursuit. I see the lights go on and I know I'm busted.

So, the end result of the story is, the Sheriff was at my house to confiscate my license which had been suspended for non payment. If I had pulled in the driveway, he would have taken it and not busted me for driving on a suspended license. My $100 speeding ticket turned into:

$100 speeding ticket
$100 tow and impound charges
$50 license reinstatement fee
$50 driving on a suspended license charge
Humiliation of Explaining to the Sheriff of why I ran while daughter farts away on Whoopee Cushion - PRICELESS!

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

No Words

Tonight, there are no words to describe how it feels to have a tragedy in your world. Before 2 pm today, a suicidal teenager entered a mall in Omaha and opened fire. Current reports are 9 dead (including the teen) and 5 injured (2 critically). Complete coverage on CNN and MSNBC.

My thoughts and prayers to all affected by this horrific act.

Why Some People Shouldn't Breed...

I was watching a documentary on MSNBC last night about runaways. Yeah, I'm a dork like that - its one of my favorite channels. Anyway, back to runaways. While watching it, I heard the saddest and yet, funniest line ever!

There was a kid featured named Josh who is 17. He was thrown in jail for carrying around homemade num chucks that his Mom made. Ok, stop there and ponder these thoughts:

1. What kind of mother gives their child a lethal weapon?
2. What kind of mother thinks to make said lethal weapon?

Back with me now? The story gets better....

So, the num chuck makin' momma calls street boy's girlfriend to say she's coming down to see her son because she feels bad that he got arrested for carrying around her "gift". After num chuck makin' momma and street boy are reunited, they have this conversation:

Son: Do you want to see our tent?

Num Chuck Makin' Momma: Sure but first we stop for alcohol and cigarettes.

Now, that was disturbing enough. Perhaps she's forgotten that her son is, I don't know, 17 and not of legal age to drink. Then she says this beauty:

"Today, I think I'm going to hang out with my son and see what life on the streets is like. You know, be involved."

I swear to God and all things holy, I was howling with laughter at that line. Yes, you read it right, that was her idea of being involved in her son's life.

For the record, I have absolutely no idea how to spell Num Chuck - is it like that or is it Numbchuck? Two words? One Word?

Name Game

Since I whined and bitched asked so nicely, Sasha tagged me for the latest MeMe:

1. Witness Protection Name (mother's and father's middle names): X Joseph - no my mom's middle name isn't X, she doesn't have one. Besides, how cool would the name X be???

2. NASCAR Name (first name of your mother's dad and father's dad): Edwin James - that just totally doesn't sound neck enough to me.

3. Star Wars Name (first three letters of your last name, two of your first): JarKa

4. Detective Name (favorite color, favorite animal): Green Gorrilla

5. Soap Opera Name (middle name, city where you were born): Marie Pawtucket

6. Superhero Name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink, add "the" to the beginning): The Purple Wine - didn't Prince have a song like that?? Oh wait, that was Purple Rain.

7. Fly Girl/Guy Name (1st two letters of your first name, last two of your last): Cael - now that totally sounds like it should be my Neck name....

8. Gangsta Name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite cookie): Coffee Oatmeal Scotchie - yeah, I'm gonna sound real Gansta with that name. Watch out before I sweeten you to death.

9. Rock Star Name (first pet's name, childhood street name): Valentine Central - rock star name??? Not so much - how about porn name?

10. Stripper Name (favorite perfume/cologne, favorite candy): Beautiful Almond Joy

Now, I tag anyone who wants to do this. Just, if you do it, drop me a comment and let me know so I can laugh at your names too! (No that wasn't another shameless plug for comments....yeah, ok it was!)

Monday, December 3, 2007

Mai Tai's, Sake Bombs, and Beer - Oh My

Due to the nasty ice storm we were expecting here in the midwest this Saturday, the trip to Kansas City was cancelled. In lieu of KC, we decided have our dignified girl get together here in town.

You see, my sister is one of those horribly accomplished people you just hate. It appears that everything she touches turns to gold. She has a bachelor's degree and two master's. I'm lucky I have my high school diploma. She is a true intellectual who writes well and teaches college English. To date, I still have not told her I have a blog because (A) I know that my writing is no where near her level and (B) there are just some things sister's shouldn't know about each other! So, I was expecting a quiet night with the girls. I figured it would consist of dinner with some nice wine that I couldn't pronounce nor afford and some dignified conversation. To be honest, I was dreading it. I kept picturing the episode of Friends where Joey bought the "V" encyclopedia so he could converse with the group.

Except - it wasn't. It wasn't dignified. It wasn't filled with wine. It wasn't intellectual. It was a true gutter girls party and I LOVED it.

We met at a Sushi place which was great except I don't eat fish but whatever. I got there before anyone and settled at the bar for some harmless flirting conversation with the very cute bartender. I was nursing my Mai Tai (the drink special of the night) figuring I'd switch to Coke or water at dinner since I had to drive. All of a sudden, this loud, noisy, obnoxious group of girls walked in. You guessed it - my party! They were all a bit toasty after spending the whole afternoon at the bar. I do believe the first words my sister whispered to me were, "I'm wasted". Ahhhh, people on my level.

After much discussion, it was determined that I was joining this party and leaving my car (read: Hubby's car) at the restaurant and I was their captive for the night. We settled at the table were rounds of Sake Bombs were passed (like a Boilermaker except with beer and Sake). Every time I turned around, there was a new Mai Tai in front of me. Although, I have sneaking suspicions that my beloved sister was drinking them. Many a toast were made and a few tears were shed (mostly mine). Did you know that they don't have silverware at these places? You are expected to eat with chopsticks. Yeah, so not happening, especially when one fell on the floor. Like the Mai Tai's, I think my sister ate most of my nicely cooked beef (no fish for me, thankyouverymuch, raw or otherwise).

We left the restaurant much poorer, way drunker, and a lot rowdier than we entered. Then it was time to go back to the bar. We all piled into one car. There was the driver and the bride up front and four of us (yes, FOUR) and one blow up doll in the back. How we didn't get pulled over going down the interstate I'll never know. We spent a lot of time in the back of that car molesting the poor blow up doll and making cracks about her anatonomy.

Finally we arrived at our destination. A lovely little bar called Chicks. Did I mention it was a gay bar? No? An oversight, I swear. I don't know whether to be relieved or insulted that NOT ONE lesbian hit on me. Not one. I must exude that "straight" vibe.

So, the night was a huge success and my sister's friends were all great. One offered to be my girlfriend for the night and I gotta say she was pretty freaking hot. They were all very concerned about whether or not I was having a good time and made sure my glass stayed full. Now, we are all ready for the wedding and I couldn't be happier for my baby sister. She's an amazing person who has been there for me through the good times and the really dark days. She deserves every happiness in the world and her fiance is a great guy. However, I did warn him that if he hurts her I will have to make a eunuch out of him.