Thursday, March 20, 2008

Confession Time

Anyone who has read this (or who actually knows me) will realize that my humor runs along the gutter level. I still giggle widly at the Friends episode where Joey and Rachel laugh through Ross' speech when he says "Homo" and "Erectus". When we package things here at work and talk about putting the tube in the box - I'm the first one to start laughing. When we had a virus on our shop computer and someone said it was a Trojan - fits of giggles. I can talk about sex, pooping, farting, etc. but what I can't do? Fart in front of my husband. The longer I go without doing it, the harder it is becoming. My ass just clenches up.

My husband wouldn't care if I farted. As a matter of fact, after he stopped giggling, he'd probably cheer and grade it. I. JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT. There have bene times I've had to fart and I've attempted to do the Butt Clench Waddle to a different area of the house to release the pressure and he'll follow me. Now, that's not to say I've never farted and here are 3 instances of when I have farted that I fessed up to last night:

1. When Satan Spawn was first born, she came to work with me. One morning as Hubby was driving us down there, a silent one slipped out. To my horror, it stunk. Badly. Hubby looked over at me and asked if I smelled that. Knowing what it was, I had to devise a plan quickly. I innocently sniffed the air and proclaimed that it must have been Satan Spawn with a little gas.

2. One night when we were having slipped out. I was totally thrown off the prize because I was worrying that he'd heard it (it was NOT the silent variety). Luckily, he was a bit too interested in other things and missed that one entirely!

3. Yesterday at work, I had some stinky silent gas. I was working in another area with most of the people I work with and one of those pesky fuckers worked their way past the clenched ass cheeks. Immediately, I was engulfed in a foul odor. I looked over at my boss (aka Satan) and asked her if she smelled that. She sniffed the air and said what does it smell like? I said, Ass. She totally blamed one of the guys working with us.

Of course, as I finished my confession, Hubby was laughing so hard he farted.


Kerry said...

OK - I had to laugh at this post! Too funny!

Me 4.0 ( said...

Confession is good for the soul...or the hole!

As for me, I would like to share this PSA so no one else suffers the same fate. My doctor did not warn me about the affect of barium and high heat. After an upper GI and playing golf in 119 degree weather I gambled...and lost. Ass clenching toward the 13th green I prayed for gas. Alas my prayers and clenching failed and a bright yellow (barium filled) stain on my cream colored golf shorts betrayed any chance of keeping it a secret.

It is hard as an adult to admit ...but since I share a sense of humor commonly found in junior highers, I can proudly say with a giggle and gufaw...Yes I have crapped my pants!

A.D. said...

I used to be like that until we switched to a high fiber diet. Now it is just unavoidable. I like it when I have a particularly loud one, and my husband just looks at me and says "Did that come from your butt?" He acts grossed out, but I think he's really secretly impressed!

FriendsWithFinancialBenefits said...

Awesome stuff, bring us some updates:)