Anyone who has read this (or who actually knows me) will realize that my humor runs along the gutter level. I still giggle widly at the Friends episode where Joey and Rachel laugh through Ross' speech when he says "Homo" and "Erectus". When we package things here at work and talk about putting the tube in the box - I'm the first one to start laughing. When we had a virus on our shop computer and someone said it was a Trojan - fits of giggles. I can talk about sex, pooping, farting, etc. but what I can't do? Fart in front of my husband. The longer I go without doing it, the harder it is becoming. My ass just clenches up.
My husband wouldn't care if I farted. As a matter of fact, after he stopped giggling, he'd probably cheer and grade it. I. JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT. There have bene times I've had to fart and I've attempted to do the Butt Clench Waddle to a different area of the house to release the pressure and he'll follow me. Now, that's not to say I've never farted and here are 3 instances of when I have farted that I fessed up to last night:
1. When Satan Spawn was first born, she came to work with me. One morning as Hubby was driving us down there, a silent one slipped out. To my horror, it stunk. Badly. Hubby looked over at me and asked if I smelled that. Knowing what it was, I had to devise a plan quickly. I innocently sniffed the air and proclaimed that it must have been Satan Spawn with a little gas.
2. One night when we were having ummm....sex.....one slipped out. I was totally thrown off the prize because I was worrying that he'd heard it (it was NOT the silent variety). Luckily, he was a bit too interested in other things and missed that one entirely!
3. Yesterday at work, I had some stinky silent gas. I was working in another area with most of the people I work with and one of those pesky fuckers worked their way past the clenched ass cheeks. Immediately, I was engulfed in a foul odor. I looked over at my boss (aka Satan) and asked her if she smelled that. She sniffed the air and said what does it smell like? I said, Ass. She totally blamed one of the guys working with us.
Of course, as I finished my confession, Hubby was laughing so hard he farted.