UGH

How does one begin a post which could change the whole fabric of your being? How does one begin to express the fears, doubts, and worries that have been running rampant in my mind?

My husband uttered five words to me the other day that have the capabilities to shatter my world and heart - "I think the cancer's back". You see, when he was 26, he had testicular cancer. He lost one of his testicles and went through radiation. We've often joked that the radiation created "Super Sperm" since he went on to have two more children. 12 years of being cancer free and now he thinks its come back.

Before I dwell too deeply on my thoughts, we have not had any diagnosis confirmed or denied yet. He left for PA this morning and only discovered the lumps on his other testicle on Thursday. He is going to be heading in to see a urologist when he returns and with a bit of luck, this post will all be for nothing. Keep your fingers crossed, say prayers if you say them, light voodoo candles if that's your thing, whatever your mojo is, please send a little our way until we know for sure.

I wasn't with Don the first time he went through cancer. You see, we are both Second Timers. In spite of how much he annoys me at times, everytime I think of this horrible black cloud looming over us, tears just start welling up in my eyes. I want to throw myself on the floor with all the strength of our baby and beat my fists and scream. I try to bury the idea of cancer in the back of my head, thinking worrying about it isn't going to do any good until we know, but its always right there. Like that annoying tickle in your throat or the feel of a hair on your tongue. You just can't quite get rid of it.

On a more normal Kate note, when he told me about his testicle, I did respond with:

Sure, you mean I got my tubes tied for nothing??!?

Nothing like a little humor to lighten the day.....