For Sale

One slightly used child.

You can pick out the newest model as seen here:

AKA Demon Spawn, Devil's Child, Seed of Satan
Pros: She's really cute and smart
Cons: She's bad.

You can go with the middle model as seen here:

AKA Drama Queen, Monkey Wailer, Tiny Dancer
Pros: She's beautiful - just look at that picture!! She's a lot of help (with the right incentive)
Cons: Everything's a battle, the tears are copious.

You can go with the oldest model as seen here:

AKA Shaggy, You Smell, You're Gross
Pros: He's a hardworker, good with yard work, pretty funny
Cons: He likes to be dirty....really really dirty

Why am I selling off one or all of my kids? I have several reasons:

1. The economy freaking sucks and I just can't freaking afford them anymore.
2. They sometimes get on my nerves.
3. Momma needs to get some more dental love.

That's right folks, the women who hates/loathes/fears the dentist is smack in the middle of a major reconstructive project on my mouth and its fucking expensive.

The tally to date includes 1 crack ho extraction, 1 full mouth debridement (yeahh to year's of tartar build up), 1 filling done on the front of a tooth extending below the gumline, 1 crown.

Still to be completed?? Extraction of two lower wisdom teeth, 3 more crowns on the lower molars, and 1 more filling. That will just take care of the lower jaw.

Total cost to me - $960 give or take a couple of bucks. Oh God, I'm pretty sure I just puked a little. Bottom jaw only. Fuck me!

Now I'm scared to death of the top jaw because due to a couple of accidents, I have some nice chipped teeth right in the front. My dentist muttered something about the top teeth to his assistant. I couldn't hear it real clearly but I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of a new BMW thanks to my mouth. We're talking about some more crowns and some veneers and probably an implant to fill my crack ho spot.

I told Kelly that braces were off the table for her until....well until she can pay for them herself.

The only good news out of this is, with all the restorative (nice use of a dental term!) work to be done, I won't have any need for bleaching since they will all be white anyway.

Along these same lines, what's everyone doing to stay afloat with the economy what its like. Damn we were barely scraping along before now with all the rising costs, we are starting to sink.

Maybe I should leave that crack ho hole alone and start earning money the old fashioned way......

Conversations With Abby

As parents, we think our little demon spawn princess is pretty darn smart. Of course, we are supposed to think this. However, I have had others mention her verbosity to me so I know its not all in my head!

She loves for me to read her books. She sits intently on my lap and studies each page as I read it. She gazes up at me in wonder when I change my voice for different characters. It truly is a special time (especially since The Night Before Christmas magically disappeared since we all knew it by heart after each reading it every night). Her favorite book these days is a color book. She loves to bring it to me and have me ask her the colors. Damned if she can't tell me.

M: Abby what color is this?

A: Wed!

M: That's right, Red!!!

We go through each color, mean (green), wellow (yellow), mink (pink), mown (brown), etc, until we get to black. Black is my favorite color:

M: Abby what color is this?

A: Cock!

M: Wild giggles

H: Buh buh buh Black

A: Cock!

I love it....yes, that makes me sick and twisted mother but its just too damn funny.

The other day she was running around naked (yes, this is our lame ass attempt to potty train). When I came in to yell at her for the millionth time to sit her hiney down on the potty chair, I found her sitting on the floor with her legs spread wide. She had a wad of stuffing from the couch which she was oh so carefully attempting to place on her girly area. Yes, like hair....hair down there.....I lost it in a fit of giggles. I was laughing so hard I was crying.

Also, don't ask her to say talk, it sounds an awful lot like black!

I Iz A Crack Ho

Have I mentioned my insane fear of the dentist? The fear that is so bad that my hands start sweating just at the mention of dentist? The fear that is so overwhelming I must feel like my tooth is going to explode and take along half my jawbone with it before I will go in?

When I was little - about 3 or so - I had a family dentist who didn't believe in using novacaine for some of the pesky "little" cavities. Yep, thats right, he'd drill my teeth sans anesthesia all while singing "Ki-Ki-Ki-Katy". Naturally, the dentist became equated with pain to me.

Then, at the tender age of 13, I performed a spectacular circus stunt over the front handlebars of my bike. This spectacular stunt involved my face taking the full impact into the concrete. Oh the joy of braces to hold my teeth in and a summer filled with dental appointments.

Needless to say, those two events started as a nasty little seed of fear that has since grown into the size of oh I don't know, the planet Venus. I have to be HURTING and hurting badly to go to the dentist. Then, it had been so long, that the fear combined with embarassment to prevent me from crossing the threshhold of a dental office!

About 6 months ago, a filling fell out. Since it didn't hurt, I didn't go to the dentist. The small opening became larger but still didn't hurt. The logical, not insane part of me knew I needed to go in but the absolutely whacked out nutjob part kept insisting it was fine. Then the damn thing started hurting - on a weekend of course - so I dealt with the pain because "it wasn't that bad" and sure enough, it eventually stopped hurting but then this large tender lump started to appear on my gumline above this tooth.

Anyone guess absess? You win the prize! Still, I did not go to the dentist. I did not go in until I read that an untreated absess can cause bone deterioration and could lead to jaw surgery. HELLO! That got my attention!

So, I made the appointment - explained what a wuss I am and perhaps even shed a few tears - and went in to find out that I needed the tooth pulled. Today was the big day. Since it was one of my first molars, I now look like a toothless crack whore.

On the plus side, I did make an appointment for a check up and they actually put in the computer that I cannot call to cancel (because that is how I roll) and once I get the lowdown on all the work (ie: cost) involved in my mouth, I'll go back and do the cosmetic part of getting my crack ho hole filled. I'm thinking I'll pimp out the mouth with a nice gold molar.......