Do you all remember that disturbing movie from the 70s, "Sybil"? I think Sally Field played Sybil. I have just discovered the real life Sybil that the movie is based on. Its true. She's alive and well (figuratively speaking) in Nebraska. As a matter of fact, her desk is right across from mine. For the record, I now believe that Stevie Wonder was Sybil's father....
Let me start by saying, I've been employed with this screen print company for over 10 years. Its a small family business that does some amazing stuff - when Baby was born, she got gifts from the NBA. Its the coolest job on the Earth. How many other places can you get paid to talk sports. I love sports - well let me rephrase, I love all New England Teams in sports. I was born and partially bred in New England and grew up with a deep seated love of watching Patriots football games and BoSox baseball games with my dad. I truly believe that Jason Varitek (catcher for the BoSox) is my one true love in life - we share the same birthday (to the day and year), he got his World Series ring on opening day on said birthday, and he has great legs. Before you ask, yes my husband is aware of this love and knows there is a small but distinguished list of men I'm waiting on - they just need to realize how wonderful I am and come get me. I digress. Back to Sybil...
So, the owners of this company have 3 daughters that all work here, 2 Normal Girls and Sybil. I have the misfortune to share an office with Sybil. While I used to use my computer to hide behind and pretend to be working, but instead surfing the web, now I use to hide from Sybil. NO EYE CONTACT MUST BE MADE!!! If there is, she will talk to you. You never know what personality will come out. There's the Southern Girl, complete with down on the farm hick accent (let me mention, she was born and bred in NE and has never been out of this state for any length of time), there's the Paris Hilton, my mommy and daddy own the business therefore I'm better than you, there's the Special Ed, yayyyyyy I drive the short bus, and my personal favorite, full on Sybil.
Full on Sybil consists of all of the above personalities along with some strange rocking in her seat along with humming (hence the reason I now believe Stevie Wonder is Sybil's father). Full on Sybil gives herself pep talks - c'mon Sybil you can do this it will be ok. Full on Sybil mutters like she is hearing voices in her head (which she probably is) and at any minute I expect her to start batting the air like a cat who sees something that isn't there. Full on Sybil is a combination of all the weird women in Deuce Bigalow. Full on Sybil will fall asleep at her desk and snore. Full on Sybil cries. I truly expect her head to spin around and projectile vomit green shit one of these days. Full on Sybil apparently has some animal personalities as well because I swear she meowed today.
She has another quirk as well. She is a compulsive labeler. Everything she has at work is labeled. No, I'm not kidding - EVERYTHING. Even the Clorox wipes on her desk - Sybil's bought with own money. Yes, I'm totally serious. That's exactly what it says - word for fucking word. She labels the bread she brings, the windex on her desk, even the Kleenex. Sometimes, when she's not around, I like to have fun with the stuff she's labelled. I've been known to "accidentally" lean on her loaf of bread or shake her sodas. Once I even took the Clorox wipes off her desk and used them....the Rainman part of her Sybil personality probably had counted them before hand and knew exactly SIX were missing and it probably drove her crazy. Small reward for the weird shit I put up with.
Sybil has managed to spawn 4 mini's - all girls. There is mini Sybil. Yes, this means exactly how it sounds. Its like twins with a 20 year age gap. There is Britney Spears - complete with trashy thongs showing over her hip hugging jeans, tank tops and tattoos. I don't even know how to classify the youngest one - drug using, alcohol drinking, violent, trashy, sleeps with anything with a penis 18 year old 9th grader? Out of all the kids, she's managed to have one normal one. I guess it just goes to show that genes do mutate and there is something to that whole Survival of the Fittest.
Ok, Sybil/Rainman's rocking and humming again - 10 minutes to Wapner???