Let me preface this post by saying I have Stage Fright when attempting to poo. I can't go if I'm not home or if anyone is around. Seriously. Total stage fright. Seems weird, doesn't it? Someone who can talk about it, make jokes about it, can't do it! Unless I really gotta go...
So, this afternoon, I was suffering with an itchy starfish (translated: itchy butthole) and I thought maybe attempting to poo would help. So, I'm on the throne, concentrating, willing myself not to make any noise if I go because I didn't want anyone to hear it when I look at the wall and see a HUGE spider. I think it was a tarantula. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating but it was big and ugly. Its just sitting there staring at me. Planning its strike. And I'm vulnerable. I come up with this brilliant idea to blow at it hoping it will go away from me. No...the little fucker starts coming at me. So, I start screaming. I grabbed some tissues and swiped it off the wall before it could drop into my undies. Then I couldn't find where the little bastard went. Picture this: I'm on the pot, pants and undies around ankles, kleenex littering the floor, me screaming, while attempting to find the spider.
He starts crawling toward me. Me, still screaming, stomped the fuck out of the little bastard. That will show him who is the Alpha Dog.
At the end of it all, I still had an itchy starfish and couldn't poo.