I read a few blogs that detail their conversations with their little kids (which are hilarious and make me miss those days and dread the ones coming up). I thought I'd share a conversation I had with my older two, Igor (16) and Drama Queen (12) to entertain and possibly scare the shit out of anyone reading who doesn't have kids this age!
Let me set the scene. I come home from work on Thursday. As my previous post have mention, we have to keep the bathroom door closed due to the fact that Baby thinks the tiolet is her own personal birdbath. I get a sweet greeting from Drama Queen and Igor is no where to be found (that in itseslf is not unusual). I proceed to the bathroom. Get nice and comfy on the pot with my latest reading material, look up and notice a lovely hole in the bathroom wall. I leave the comfort of the bathroom to this conversation:
Me: Drama Queen!! (in a loud high pitched yell)
Drama Queen (hereafter known as DQ for short): Yes Mom? (in a totally innocent I have no idea why you might be yelling at me tone of voice)
Me: Would you like to explain the hole in the bathroom wall? (I picked her first for a reason even though I suspected they were both involved. She's the weak link!)
DQ: **monkey wails** I'm sure there was some sort of explanation in all of that but I'll be damned if I know what it was
Me: **Looks around - is 5 pm too early to start drinking**
Me: Igor!!! (again, in the loud high pitched your shit is in some trouble yell)
Me: Would you like to explain the hole in the bathroom wall?
Igor: Why yes, yes I would! (in the emphatic tones of someone convinced of their innocence) You see, DQ was watching TV and I kindly reminded her that she needed to put her dishes away. She went to the kitchen to do so and took the remote with her. I went into the kitchen and told her nicely that she didn't need to take the remote because I wasn't going to change the channel.
DQ: **Monkey wails and more sobbing** BLAH BLAH BLAH Igor thats not true
Me: **Holds head in hands and works on convincing myself that 5:10 isn't too early to drink, feels headache brewing**
Now, I'll give you my translation to this point: Igor decided to boss DQ around and tell her to do her jobs. She retaliated by removing the remote control from his vicinity. His response was to go and retrieve said remote by whatever means possible
Me: Ok, that still doesn't explain the bathroom and DQ, the remote belongs in the living room not the kitchen.
DQ: **monkey wails and sobbing** But he was bossing me and he was going to chaaaaange the channnnnnnell and I was waaaaatching that!
Me: **looks around for advil**
Igor: So, I proceeded into the kitchen and then DQ threw all the plastic tupperware containers at me. I mean, Mom, the whole cabinet was empty!! She even through your metal collander at me and bent it! (in the now indignant tones of someone who knows they haven't done wrong)
Me: **Looks at DQ**
DQ: Heeeeee just maaaaade me sooooo mad! (still monkey wailing and sobbing but at least coherent now)
Me: Ok...I still don't get the bathroom wall??
Igor: DQ went into the bathroom and slammed the door. Then while I was so nicely picking up all the dishes she threw, I heard some loud banging on the bathroom door so I went to investigate. I thought maybe she was hurt and calling for help in Morse Code.
Me: **Fuck it - wine at 5:30 is totally acceptable. Besides I need something to wash down these Advil**
DQ: **Monkey Wails** I wasssssss going to the battttttttthroooooom and he just busted right in
Igor: I didn't know you were going to bathroom and besides, when I came in you were laying on the floor.
DQ: (starting to realize she isn't looking good in all this) HHEEEEEEEEE hurt my shoooooooulder!!! **sobs**
DQ: **Looks around for sympathy**
DQ: **Yelling** I told you I was going to the bathroom!!
Igor: No you didn't, DQ!!
Igor: Mom, she was kicking the bathroom door and when I opened the door, she was just laying there!
DQ: I did too tell you, Igor, you are lying!!!
DQ: I might have slammed the door too hard because he made me mad.
Me: Really, we only have one bottle of wine in the house??? Guess I picked the wrong day to stop drinking.
Me: *Yelling at almost a monkey wail level** Igor, you aren't her parent. If she doesn't do her jobs, you tell us and we'll handle it. DQ, the remote belongs in the living room and you are expected to do your jobs! If you two can't leave each other alone, I'll just take the damn remote to work with me!
Sad part of this, they each have cable in their rooms.....
Me: **Flops on couch and thinks about crying**
Hubby: Ummmmm what was that????
So, for those of you who have little kids, be afraid, be very very afraid. For those of you who have older children, I feel your pain. For those of you who haven't had children yet, Lucky Fucking Bastards!