PSA: Parenthood = Control

As the mother of a 16 year old, I've learned several things:

1. No matter how much you profess that you will never be the type of parent your parents were, you will be. Its inevitable.
2. Kids are cute and entertaining, but from the moment of conception the battle of wills begins. Look at labor, you have to wait til the demon spawn in ready. You have to be miserable and look like something dragged out a zombie movie before your doctor will consider an induction.
3. You will make mistakes....and laugh at them.
4. You will find yourself thinking, "I can't wait until you have children of your own so you understand what you are doing to me"
5. You will cry....OFTEN. When they are babies, you will cry at the mistakes you make and just when you begin to think that those tears were shed over hormones, you will cry as they enter school, you will cry the first time they look at you as if you are the uncoolest person in the world, you will cry when they test your patience (which is a daily event from about 10 onwards), and you will cry as they pull away from you and want to begin their own lives. Letting go SUCKS.

As I've read many great blogs that detail conversations with their children, I think to myself, "Enjoy it now because these days won't last". Yes, I have the smugness of KNOWING what is coming next. Sure, your heart melts when they tell you that they love you or when they say you are pretty or when they think your kiss and hug can heal every hurt. Just as easily as your heart melts at those moments, it can shatter into millions of pieces at the moments to come. Let me say it again, letting go SUCKS.

I am the oldest of 3 children. Older than my sister by 7 years and older than my brother by 9 years. Our mom was strict. She ruled the roost and we all knew it. My brother and I were the type of kids who pretty much toed the line (my brother now, that's a post for another day). My sister, well she was the type of child that made you believe that some child abuse is justified! She could make our mom lose it. She knew how to push her buttons, with ease. We called these moments "Break Your Arm" moments. We laugh at it now but I wish for my sister a child just like her (hey, Karma's a bitch). She would get our mother so riled up that she would totally lose her temper. The result of one of these temper losses was her saying the BYA comment out of sheer frustration. We knew our mother would never physically abuse us, but I gotta say with my sister it was close!

I had my own BYA moment a few years back with Shaggy. He was about 10 or 11 so Drama Queen would have been 6 or 7. They were at the age where their main goal in life was irritating the living shit out of each other. This particular night, I'd had it. The conversation went something like this:

Me: If I have to tell you two to stop one more time, I'm going to get up and spank both of you!

Them: whispered pissy comments to each other because if we whisper them, she can't hear.

Me: Storms into kitchen and manages to find DQ first and smacks her.

DQ: Instantly collapses into a paroxysms of tears as if she was just beaten within an inch of her life

I make my way over to Shaggy who is standing by the fridge. This is the first point I now realize he is taller than me....NOT GOOD. I go to smack him and he puts his hand up. I realize I might have a problem here...also NOT GOOD. I then proceed to say the stupidest comment I have ever made as a parent:

Me: PUT YOUR HAND DOWN SO I CAN SMACK YOU

Shaggy: glares

Me: grabs arm and attempts to pull it down, finds out I am having difficulty budging it and once again thinks...NOT GOOD...I'm losing control here. I then make every effort to find a place to smack him (keep in mind his back is against the wall and right side against the fridge, this leaves very limited smacking space) I manage to get a wallop in against his hip which just pisses me off for 2 reasons:

1. It hurt my hand
2. He gave me a look that was so plain it was like I heard the words, "Is that all you got?"

I totally admit to losing control at that point. I'm pretty sure my head was spinning in 360s and a demon voice was being projected. I desperately searched for something to hit him with and found....

A PLASTIC SPOON

Yes, you read that correctly, I so lost control that I attempted to beat my child with a plastic serving spoon. Not one of my prouder parenting moments!

So, my advice to you all is this: enjoy your little kids now when their whole world is you. Call your parents now before it is too late and apologize for all and everything you might ever have done. Seriously think about boarding school for your puberty aged children.